24th August 2012.

I honestly don't know how much i'm worth. Literally!

Of all days, you're just busy the entire day yesterday, so busy you didn't went in Facebook . Of all days ? !

Okay, so say it's true you were really busy, and that's the respond you give ? A 'Like' and that's it ? You used to write something back or would post back on my wall but yeah you just liked it and ask why i posted it and then poof, end of story .

Amazing .

What do we do these days ? You work, i work, we come home, you watch TV and play your iTouch, talk a little and we go to bed . On occasions when you wanted it, we have sex .

I put in effort to make things better but nothing works . I club lesser, drink lesser and what do i get ? You drinking AND driving and sending colleagues home . I felt friends were treated way better than me you know . And on worse days, i felt like im an extra item hogging space in the house .

Yeah i know i failed as a wife, i can't get the place clean, i always mess things up, i complain about chores not done to perfection, i sleep late, im fussy about food and god i have absolutely no idea what you're troubled about .

But im trying to make it work ! ! And all i get is response that seemed to be forced .

Yeah i like to compare . I always check your phone to see how you reply your friends and how you reply me . And the friends always gets the joke, the cheerful replies, the smileys and the prompt replies . And mine . . . it's right there in your phone, and you should know how our conversation looks like .

You have no idea how often your response hurt me, and to think i will still die for you if i have to . I have no idea what im turning into .

Today is the 10th June 2012 . I feel the need to blog again . . . not that it's always about emotional stuffs . 


But i shall talk about it another day . 


I miss writing diaries . . . 

Today is the 22nd March 2012 .

Three days on, and I'm still having a heartache . I've never had a heartache over us for so long before, this was the first .

Maybe it's because I failed to acknowledge this problem before and now that I'm actually facing it, it really hurts .

How sad it is . But do you know ? Or just sit by the TV and Facebook/Yahoo News all day waiting for time to sleep .

There's been a few times that the problem was acknowledge, but the topic was changed shortly after . Do you not want us to last ?

I feel distance building between us these days, haven't you ?

Do you tell me everything ? I bet no .

Yeah i was wrong to keep on delaying finding a job, i was wrong to keep on talking to guys you don't like that happens to be on my good friends list, i was wrong to be petty over the slightest thing, i was wrong to be anti-social to the people i don't think i can get along with, i was wrong for so many things .

Well, i didn't say i was perfect, i didn't ask you to hold my hand the night we were at east coast park, i didn't force you to get married with me .

I'm sorry i didn't love you the way you wanted me to, but i still do . Do you ?

Today is the 20th March 2012 .

Things doesn't seem to get any better . We had an arguement last night over facebook friend request . I didn't know it was a friend he added long ago, because it appears on the recent activities . But nonetheless, i asked who it was . He didn't check his facebook so he said he added no one, i replied it was a girl .

With frustration in his facial expressions, i stopped asking and said never mind, it's okay . I rest my head on the pillow and tried not to think about it . But only to realized he got more annoyed . I didn't wanted to put up any arguements so i kept quiet . As always, he grabbed my chin and lifted my face towards him . For the hundredth times I've told him before i didn't like that, he still does it . My feelings immediately switched to being irritated because in my opinion, only slaves, maids and people being looked down on are grabbed on by the chin to face up and reply .

But i kept my silence in return to your frustrated explanations . Your tone changed as you spoke, like an inpatient teacher teaching a slow learning student . I got really sad . All i wanna know is who's that girl . Yeah i know she's not amazingly pretty, but neither am i . I went out and lay on the couch, i wanted you to come hoax me, but there's no sound . I went in and pretend to take my huggie out, no sound . So i made my final attempt back into the room, turned on the lights and took my pillow out . I heard the door open, which made me really happy a bit, you tried twice to get me in the room but i rejected . Then you said your words and left me laying there .

Do you think i really believe all those guys that said i look georgeous, slim, sexy and beautiful ? No, i don't . I, am ugly . I'm too skinny for my weight and my limbs are hairy like men . My face is not perfect because I have a red birth mark that I've been trying to hide for 22 years, my jaw is over-grown and it's making my whole face look flat from the side . I have elf's ears, small eyes, small breast . All in all, i don't think I look physically pretty . Neither do i have a feminine personality .

I'm scared to lose you too, after what has happened to my sister I'm afraid it will happen to us too . Maybe I'm selfish, coz all i want is to keep you in my pocket and let nobody else get to you . I want you to be wholly and exclusively mine . But as far as i know, i can't .

As the relationship progress, we all know romance and passion is something hard to maintained . Recently it's been something i can't even feel it between you and me . Is it the financial debt that you are in that's making it all more frustrating ? Or is it the shit things from work that I don't know that caused you to be of such difference to the guy i first met .

I feel that I'm of no value to you soon, like I'm a car with breakeven value . Keeping it is for sentimental sake .

There's so much things that's starting to show everytime we quarrel . I'm still the same me when i get unhappy - being quiet, that is, staying away from you . But you ain't the same anymore when we quarrel .

You started giving up hoaxing very easily, your tone gets more and more disgusted, you pointed your index finger directly into my face when you said your words, and worse of all, you just left me stranded at where i was .

Am i wrong ? Or I'm just one horrible lady .

Today is the 19th March 2012.

A huge wave of emotions hit me recently, or rather just days ago. The song above made me realized how much things I've been holding on to. Those are memories I've never forget because i simply can't. I've been hiding them, burying them every once in a while when they float up to the surface.

It's hard to let go. Every single inch.

I know it's bad for me and it gets everybody worried and sad, that's why I've chose to be what I've become today.

This day I live, is not what i asked for, neither is it what I didn't want.

Is this a lie I'm living in? Or I'm here to learn how to do the right things instead of the wanted things . . . or this is actually what i used to wish for and now I'm regretting.

Huge huge confusion.

They say men get troubled for women a lot, but they haven't told stories about women getting vexed over men, not for understanding men actually, but for who is playing or who is here to stay.

Now that I'm out of reach for alcohol, my stress level is increasing every time i get thinking over these things. How am i ever gonna find another hobby to relieve my mental stress.

I'm still searching for people involved in the days that taught me to grow up, but even till then, I'll have to consider seriously if keeping in contact is necessary.

Chantel? Or Jie Min?

Today is the 24th February 2012. How time flies, it's eight months since what happened already. Wouldn't say i've adapted well to it, because im still trying to hide the fact. I'm not sure what mom and dad had to say about it but im pretty sure they don't feel happy. Whatever's happened cannot be change, what comes in the future must be dealt with, like it or not.

Days haven't be better since my condition got stable. We've been through a lot of arguements and i am hurt. The hurt i feel everytime you walk out the door after arguements, leaving me behind, makes me wonder time and time again, am i doing this right?

Why is it that everytime when i try harder to be a better wife i felt i sucked at it.

Yes, i still wanna club and drink.
Yes, i still smoke now and then.
Yes, i still can't let go of my old life.

And why??!

Because you haven't prove to me that you're willing to change for me.

I've been thinking should i have let other guys a chance because they are begging for it.

Three years, i wanted you to quit smoking. You almost did it the other time you got suspected for dengue. But what happened? You don't have the slightest determination. I don't think it's ever that hard to quit smoking. YOU ARE JUST WEAK.

Nonetheless, i turned my face away and pretend i'm okay with it. I try to get myself working on the house chores, earning a few more bucks, going to interviews with a heavy heart.

I tried!

What have you done? Are you gonna tell me the same thing about how you're managing our financials? I don't buy your story because you know why? I don't spend money like you. I buy what i really need. Lottery are for people who earns more and have extra cash. Have we got that kind of money? We don't. And look... lottery tickets once in a few weeks, each time spending tens of dollars.

Can't we just lead a humble life? A healthy, happy humble life. That's all i really ask for.

Until then, maybe i'll consider letting you know what's on my mind, all of it. If not, you'll just gonna know me as Chantel... you won't know that girl name Tay Jie Min.

Today is the 30th June 2011 . Blogging from Singapore now that i'm back for a ''vacation'' . Not exactly a joyous trip i should say, even though i threw my 21st birthday celebration cum house-warming party .

I was admitted to the hospital after my party on the 19th, a day before my actual birthday, and i was stuck in the hospital for two days . I was prepared to only be there for a couple bags of drippin then be home for a nice celebration, but it turned out to be a saddening stay .
Lucky to have my husband with me, for his absence would make everything worse ten times . Feeling dizzy from initial discomfort, and the needle drip under my skin all the time, being awake in the middle of the night for blood pressure test, and last but not least, the whole horror of all - bone marrow extraction . There was so much discomfort and thoughts running through my mind as to why must so much things happen to me on my 21st birthday .

Imagine being hospitalized the full 24 hours of your birthday, crying, and have your mum see you cry and cry too .

That's how i spent my day, my 21st birthday .

Today is the 24th May 2011 . Particularly today, living in this place, i feel something; i feel nostalgia .

Since the day i tried to settle in, my neighbour has been very supportive of me . Saved my many days when i first came here, and now, after five months, she's leaving . Returning to Singapore for good, after spending almost half a decade here, she's finally going home . I feel happy for her, but kinda sad that such a friend is leaving me . And god knows what happen when we both live in Singapore, busy with lifes .

There's nothing much to say about her, but as a friend, she's definitely someone who will stand by you no matter what happens . And for that, i respect her .

She's no clever ass, nothing about rich, just simple, but she knows all about being happy . I appreciate what she's done for me all these times and i hope for the best to her near future .

Bye now, my friend .

Today is the 18th June 2011 . I found out that one of whom used to be on my friend list has deleted me off her friend list .

Wasn't my friend, knew through Terence, but im gonna be honest, i kept her close because she was close with Terence's ex . I was worried, i confess . Because from what i heard this ex is a bitch . But this friend wasn't any better being two faced . Saying one story and doing another .

Yeah i was sneaky and evil this time because i was worried . Usually keeping the ex around wasn't a good thing, and it applies the same to those that are close to the ex .

I can't tell you how i feel right now, but i know there's a lot of emotions .

Today is the 6th May 2011 and i cannot help but post here to vent what i feel about the election . Everybody is talking about it, in a bad way . Well, at least to me . From the day any candidate made any speech, people have already started criticising the PAP, the prime minister, the minister mentor, the bla bla bla .

Stop what you're doing, think about it . Look around you . What have we got ? Do you get the same when you travel to other countries ?

Clean streets, established Orchard Road, big, tall elegant buildings, impressive casinos, housing estates, ev-er-y thing is almost 90% developed to a good standard . Crime rates, security forces, law enforcements, political instability, the government has all got a good grip .

Are you gonna tell me this is not the things you want ? Are you unhappy that the govenment is misusing the tax we pay to pay themselves and building all these craps when you yourself hasn't enough money to buy a Gucci bag ? Is all your selfish wants stopping you from voting the PAP just because they are moving the nation to the next higher standard ? Complaining about sky-high property prices, paying too much taxes, or earning lesser than the ministers ?

Come on !! They might not deserve the income but at least they deserve the respect !!! Have we all forgotten how our founding father fought for our independence ? If not for him we would still be like Malaysia now, bike-robbing all around, dirty streets, cheaters everywhere . He and his people transform a Singapore fulla slums to what it is now call a home .

Exactly what are we proud of as Singaporeans ? We have come this far, work this hard, and no doubt our nation has become an attractive country to settle in for our neighbours across the sea . And nobody wonder why now, because all they see in mind, is how the PAP draws high income from our taxes, is how the PAP rules the entire parliament, is how PAP do nasty things from the past and all in the world the mistakes they made .

When you meet your enemy, what do you do ? Let them have a chance taking over your position or you slash them down ? You slash them down ! And this is what the PAP did, i don't think it's unreasonable . You want someone to have the chance to destroy you and your decade long plans ? Hell no .

And for the people who's cursing and hating our founding father, you're telling the world you're the type to send your own dad to the nursing home when the time comes . Same story, different version .

Are we really voting for the good of our nation, or are we really voting for the good of ourselves ?

I'd rather pay more taxes for what we have now, than to pay less and live like those elsewhere .

Today is the 13th April 2011 . Wondering if it's PMS that make me wanna blog or something else which i have no idea about .

I've been here for about 3 months, and still not getting the hang of it . Hiding in my bunk everyday, Facebook-ing the whole afternoon waiting for my husband to be back . But it seems that these lonely days has done much more than feeling bored to me . I think so much everyday, sometimes i really think i need a doctor .

I think about the times when my home was still next door to my granny's . The days when we slept together on the floor . When we watched TV as a family, have dinner running around, played games along the corridor . Then it was time to move to a new home . I was young, but i knew i didn't wanna move, i had so much fun there . I couldn't let out my sadness, until that very night, when my late uncle held me in front of him and asked me if i would miss him after we moved away . I instantly cried, so he hugged me and comfort me, everybody was looking, especially my cousins .

My late uncle used to cook mee sua, and whenever he cooked them, he'd shared some with me when im around .

New home now, everything was so fine, Mum looked vibrant in every photo, especially those birthday ones . Those days, we had little pocket money, 2 bucks a day, maybe more for late times in school . But i never asked for extra money, not even a cent when Mum forgot to give me . Going hungry in school was common for me . I saved up pretty much, dug my piggy bank a coupla times when i need cash for school outings and books . When Mum or Dad's birthday came up, we'd take the chance to buy a small cake when they're out ( coz we hadn't enough for a big one ), and surprise them when they came back through the door . We'd even make their bed for when they turn in at night, they'll find their pillow firmer than usual, then flipped it up to find our hand made birthday cards and gifts for them .

We played silly games, did stupid things and finished assessment books .

Now we've all grown up, have our own stuffs to meddle with, uncle passed away . We all realized what growing up feels like . Everything changes . Home wasn't the same anymore, everyone does their own things, we hardly laugh like we used to . We got so much more ''peace'' now .

And i'm moving out again, this time, moving into one apartment that my husband and me shares . And what do we have left at home; lesser now .

And i always hate to go . Always ...

Today is the 22nd February 2011 .

How often do you think about people that you have to keep off your contact list to make your lover happy ?

Are you like me; telling everything i know in hope the transparency principle would keep your relationship last longer or even forever . Or are you simply keeping some facts to yourself just so you could still contact some friends you know that if the facts leak out like a toppled glass of milk, friends will become strangers; lovers become single ?

Truth be told, i have been thinking bout the people in my history life . If only they knew where the line is drawn, we'd still be friends .

I never lied about my status ever since i got married, conscience - clear . But it seems not many could accept and even doomed fail . No comments bout that; i ain't god . But i hope for the best . Married being i hope you respect my decision and move on for us to be friends and friends only .

So often i thought and asked god why did all the good men appear only after i got married . But i only ended up listening to the sound of myself breathing, and answering to my own question . It was simple, i knew the question was simple and the answer was straight forward but why do i still ask ? 'At least i asked', i thought, as always, being crazy sometimes .

Those days might not be fun, but i knew they were true, no backstabbing kinda shit . I knew even if i have to call them at 4am in their sleep, they'll still pick up my call if the ringing tone manage to wake them up . Friends, to me .

But not to them, i was something more than friends . Disappointing as it seems, i hadda put down my phone and stop texting, stop calling, eventually changing my goddamn cellphone number .

Doing what i must do to keep troubles away .

Thinking of them once in a while, knowing if they kept things down we'd still be friends, and they'll eventually find someone else to have a crush, an affection or a love to lay on .

And now, some were uncontactable, some keeping a distance, i never really can know what happen after i stop texting and calling .

Hope they're well, all of them .

Adios .

Today is the 8th February 2011 . I thought i should be posting before this blog gets dusty again .

Just when i thought i was settling down well, i was wrong . I know about myself to be straight-forward at times, so i'd post it on Facebook . With such an open profile, everyone able to post, comment, fully view everything about my profile, i've got stalkers as well !

So on the first day of lunar new year, we hadda open house kinda thing, and the night before, there were some drinking . I was drinking, no doubt . My open house ? 10am to 2pm . They were told to come at different time, like 10am to 2pm is a range for them to come . But i was expecting them at 10am . I slept around 3am or slightly later .

Having to force myself awake at 9am is already annoying enough, when catering was said to reach at 9am, it came only at 10.15am or so ? Yeah, around that time . Well, Brunei right ?

I waited, and waited, one guest . And the wait continues, 11am, still one guest .

Disappointing, utterly awfully disgustingly disappointing .

Feeling what i'm going through ?

With that, i posted this on Facebook : -

''commander's wife hadda open house and everybody's on time or earlier . our open house ? it's past an hour and we only have ONE guest . now you see why im so anti-social here . because all the people are so fake and suckin up the boss's balls . continue suckin... i hope yall like the smell of the penis ! SICK !''

And boom ! Suddenly everyone is checking out my profile and reading that post !

Until the following night, a guy called my husband out for a talk . I have no idea what they talked about, but when he came back he wanted me to delete the post . He said everyboday got to read about it . I was furious .

First off, if you're not on my friend list, i don't give a damn if you're affected by that statement, it's my profile, my wall, my right of freedom to post what i wanna say . Just in case you forgot or don't even know, before i post that status, there's a question in the box you might have miss looking at . It asked me 'What's on your mind?', i was answering that question, hello ? Secondly, even if my status was referring to you, you stalkers, yes, i'm naming you 'stalkers', can gossip all you want it's none of my business, if you can't take it or have a weak heart, please, you can view other profiles, i'll be more than happy, maybe celebrating with champagne .

While some people are hopping mad about the statement, some thought i was looking for trouble, you know, said things like, this is Brunei, i gotta learn to be patient . Thank you, i'm learning to be patient now, but nevertheless, i must say i won't be able to adapt much to this place . You're adapting well, because i don't know, you're becoming like one of them ? Slow, irresponsible, no sense of work ethics, poor command of English or even no command of English, cheaters, dirty . Yeah, i suppose you're becoming like one of them now . Oh wait, not becoming, you have became .

I thank god i haven't lose myself to these people . Back to the case, shall we ?

Friday night the news spreaded out like flu virus, a meeting was called for on a Saturday afternoon 2pm . I hadda go, if not people might think i'm a coward, just saying, no guts to face it, but i'm not .

Next afternoon, i showered, did my hair, i went . Husbands sat outside, wifeys sat inside .

I was surrounded by 6 wifes, with printed copies of my facebook statement (like a proof thing) . They wanted me to explain why i wrote that statement . They said i was rude on the statement, they said i make it sound like they kow tow to the boss . One of them said what if the whole Singapore read that post, then i'll 'malu ... malu' . Basically, i sat at the table, going through the experience of having 6 wifes, taking turns to tell me i'm wrong, i'm at fault, then agreeing to each other's point . On and on... i cried of course . And i hadda force a 'sorry' out of my mouth .

Let me tell you one thing; even if the entire Singapore read about my post, i won't be embarrassed . You know why ? 50% won't care much, some would agree with you, but some would also agree with me . After discussing about 'clearing the air', they want me to join them more often to break the ice . Now you tell me, is it about breaking the ice now, or breaking the titanium block ?

Facing all these without my family and friends is indeed a bit tough, but nevertheless, i still have them when i go back, i know it . And i'll be back for good in no time .

Shall blog soon .

Today is the 28th January 2011 .

Ever felt like giving up something you're working on ? Ever felt like ending all your sorrows and start to persue what you really want ?

I have .

I'm tired, tired of all the unneccessary anger and saddness .

Everytime it happens, i die a little more love .

Today is the 26th January 2011 . How are you ? You . . . the one just reading my blog post .

I miss my friends and family .

A few days ago, i had a nightmare . I couldn't remember everything so i'm just gonna say what i remember . I dreamt that my dad was back from a temporary job in Hong Kong, and was cheated . He received a much lesser pay than what the boss agreed to pay . He phoned many calls to Hong Kong to get through what happened, but he was never satisfied with the explanation given to him . So he decided to make a trip to Hong Kong with a few other workers that had the same issue, but just before he went, he got into an accident and died .

When i heard of what happened, i couldn't respond . I have no idea what to do, what to say, how i should deal with it . What's surprising, is that i could still see him around, just as usual, but only i could see him . He was still talking to his friends about the issue . I have no idea if he knew he was dead . When the scene showed that i was in a dark room alone, i could hear him, still talking . I held back my tears, only whispered out a soft 'pa' and he seems to hear it . I know this is ridiculous but it's what i dreamt of . And when i looked out of the room window, he was there, standing, looking at me with the same expression he does whenever we were kids crying .

He asked me what happened, why am i crying and repeatedly asked me not to cry . . . not to cry . But i only cried harder . I lost control . Just when i was crying so badly, i woke up . More like someone shocked me awake .

May god bless .

I once saw a quote from my friend's Facebook status, it goes something like this, 'when woman cry, it's not because of one matter . It's the accumulation of many issues.' And i have to agree with it, totally . Unless it's a really big issue, crying is inevitable . But when a quarrel arises, and a woman cries, there're many answers when you pop the 'what happened' question . Sometimes, there're simply too much to say, too much to explain, no words to describe that usually woman just say they're fine . In fact, it never was, never is, perhaps never will . I'm not afraid to admit i'm just like one of these women .

From the age when i learnt the harsh reality of life, i started bearing things and keeping issues to myself . I never wanted to share it to my family because i don't want them to get worried or sad over my problems . And i never got much friends, real friends to share my troubles . Then, till now, i've lost track, forgotten some, forgiven some . I never really know how to answer or reply to anyone including myself when the 'what happened' question is asked . Even if i have years to explain it all . Some issues are just un-describable, some actions done that you can't say it out how you feel about it .

For the happiness of 5 or 10 people not knowing my troubles, i have to endure what i'm going through, alone . Doesn't it makes sense ? Say you got bullied in class, why run to your mum and dad and whoever it is to tell them and make them worried if you're gonna be okay next time . All you have to do is just bear with it; keep it to yourself . It will be fine after some time .

And sometimes, you know you have to do the right thing, even if it means something you hate, something you have to give up, some life dream you're so looking forward to .

For that, i end my post for today . Miss you guys much .

Today is the 17th January 2011 . Life in Brunei is so far so good, even though it means being a full time house wife with only a chance to step out of the front door less than ten times a week . Well, just say i do step out for more than ten times i'll only be out to the same place over and over because there's nothing much around here .

I could sum up what i do everyday in a sentence within two minutes . Here we go. I wake up, cook breakfast, go back to sleep, wake up again, brush up, prepare lunch, laundry, shower, dinner, sleep . Only on certain days i add in sweeping and mopping the floor . Ever since the day i stepped my foot on this boring country, i spoke to less than ten people, like face to face communication .

People here are just too fake, they pretend and act too much . So much so i'd rather be alone, than to make friends with them, not that i'm unfriendly or something . They always say im so quiet when in fact, it's just i don't wanna talk to them and soon to be like one of them . It's so pathetic .

I miss Singapore, and i miss it very much . No doubt i still refuse to admit i'm a Singapore because well, seen too much ugly sides of them, but i still like that place a lot . Born there, grew up there, learn and work there and everything i want and need is there . Right here ? Nothing .

Maybe that's the vast difference when different government gives priority to different issues like Brunei do to religion and Singapore to money . Look, i'm so bored i'm talking politics on my blog, i think i'm going insane soon . Face it, i need liqour and entertainment like those in Singapore . Once again, i'm saying this for 13947354923th time, Brunei is a boring place .

Filty rich, but no brains on development and improvements yet, not even basic infrastructure . Say for example, you buy a normal house brand double sided tape and try to stick on something to the wall, between those that you buy in Singapore and those you buy in Brunei, the quality is at huge ends . Singapore's tape can tape for at least sometime and what have we got here ? The tape that came off within a day, and we sticked it back and it came off again . Horrible !

Food wise, i thought the Malays like to cook and bake themselves ? Apparently their cooking skills are worse than what you find in a coffee shop just down your block, and the price is equivalent to those of Singapore or even pricier, bearing in mind that we have the same currency rate for both country here .

So what do we have here ? Un-developed infrastructure, minimum entertainment, pricey food take-outs and one point that i can never fail to stop talking about - locals .

Maybe i'm just a typical Singaporean afterall, complaining on her blog instead of complaining to the restaurant manager and asking for discount on the bill . Right, back to the point . Find me the laziest Singaporean and he or she can work faster and more efficient than a random person you pick up on the street here . The people here ! They walk slow, drive slow, park the car slow, eat slow, serve slow and they do anything slowly, they're the laziest laziest laziest laziest people i've ever met ! They have no common sense and no sense of responsibility . Well, basically the worst people in the world and i always try to tell myself that 'hey look, they're just born this way so no point getting pissed' . I get pissed like every week now ! That's definitely gonna increase the rate of my wrinkles growing on my face and trust me, i don't like it at all .

Singaporeans are just doing things ugly because they don't wanna lose out, competitive in other words, Bruneians ? They're doing things ugly because they don't care, in other words ? SLUGGARD ! They never do achieve anything outta their life time and they never will .

Alright, before i confirm my place in hell for saying too much of these things, i'll be back to post about other happenings ( if it ever does happen ) soon .

Cheers to all of my dearly family and friends in Singapore and myself .

Today is the 6th January 2011 . It's a new year again, how quick it was . Let me recall what i could remember i did in the last year, shall we ... : -

- Went back to Black Angus for work since February
- Made lotsa friends; or rather customers from work
- Graduated from school

That's all i remember actually . However, i must say i'm particular glad i made some friends from working, or caucasians to be specific . From Canada, Australia, UK, and most of all, America . Guess that part compliments me for giving up my dream to migrate to the states .

So far, so good, so much for my year with fun at the steakhouse working, it might just be the most memorable time for me at work . . . yeah, at work, not outta work .

Right now, i'm stationed in Brunei, for a whole holy year . Been here for three days and i'm already missing home, missing work, missing so much .

But you know what . . . i ain't gonna give up so easily . You nigga asses, wait till i get back . B)

Today is the 5th December 2010 . Had my first 'Miss Me Party' yesterday with my friends from where i work . They might be colleagues, but they are no doubt those people whom i will miss the most when i'm in Brunei .

Those times working, the times where we rushed for food, service and so much more, the bad times, the good times, the happy times, and the sad times, all of them . Throughout the years i've worked there, they gave me the most unforgettable times, i learnt a lot, and i have to thank all of them for teaching me things and helping me throughout . Down the road, there are ought to be some conflicts, but we made it through till today .

Yesterday at the bar, i couldn't help but think that i'm so lucky to have them as my friends . =)

I wanna thank they all for attending the party . . . Fan, Marka, Yanwar, Yansun, Kris, Chris Ngern, Chris Chiu, Joshua, Jemima, Agustian, Elizabet, Eriec, Pwint and Peter . As for those who couldn't attend because of examinations or not feeling well, i understand .

I didn't wanna get wasted, so i didn't drank much, but most of what i drank were neats . =L

Never will be forgotten . In fact, i'll be back . =)

Today is the 24th November 2010 . Family problems have been giving me a hard time, excluding my own ones .

That's when i started to think of an escape route, not that i wanted to escape rather than solve, but it's just so troubling i don't wish to think of it for more than a minute .

Ever since i started working when i was sixteen years old, i wanted to move to the states, no matter which town or city . I just like the way they talk, how fluent one can get speaking English . English makes the world go round, isn't it ?

Recent issues had made me think back to what i wanted to do in life . Move to the states, get a job, and live by my own, but nonetheless, it's near impossible now because of the fact that i'm married, my husband signed his career to the Singapore government, and he's not quite a decent English speaking person .

So, i'm stuck back in Singapore, where i was born, where all the people are forever so 'kiasu', 'kiasi' and irritating .

Let me list down a couple of things that Singaporeans do which is extremely irritating, literally i work in an American steakhouse so what i'm about to say is every dining habits of locals .

- They act rich carrying branded purses/wallets/bags and try to save on every inch .

- Their meals are pair with water only .

- They always ask for card discounts/promotions when paying their bill .

- They won't hesitate to complain .

- They always want a big table when all they ordered are cheaper steaks or worse, sharing main courses .

- They get service attention by aggressively waving their hands and not saying 'excuse me', but 'escuse me', or worse, rising their voices calling out 'hello' .

- They never tip, only when we service talk them for half an hour as if we are real friends .

- They treat restaurants like Kopitiam leaving pork rib bones on the tables instead of the plates .

- They want the managers to serve them .

- When there's error on the food etc, they will jump to the error and ask for free dessert/drinks or instant discounts .

- When food/drink is on buffet-system, they will try sharing one order or when failed, will make the server replenish like a mad dog .

So many things i could go one having work so long at the steak house, i totally wanna disregard myself as a Singaporean . It's so embarrassing sometimes when these kinda things happen, and an American is sitting just across the table watching . I could literally punch whoever it is in the face if i'm allowed to . Too bad i can't .

I wish i could move to the states still, i know i'm having a little hope up, but hey, it's my life dream after all . It's pretty late now, shall hit the sack . Blog back in a bit when i get my day off . Ciao .

Today is the 13th November 2010 . I just woke up from a good drink last night . Rounds of games that creates nothing more than laughter and stomach-aches for us . Shots after shots of neat Chivas, Guinness stout, and the last defeat of female team that drank up a horrible mix of Guinness, Hoegaarden, green tea and coke, one glass each . Nothing was left on the tables except empty glasses, the Chivas bottle and the remains of untouched mixers .

One place ends, 2 men down, we're left with 5 survivors . We went to Arab street for another round . This time, with only a bucket of five beers . The die were rolling, guesses were made, laughing till we roll back and forth for like the millionth time . We called it a day at 4am .

Of course, i can no longer drink much like that . Pockets emptied out to just coins . Lips so dry i felt i was left in the desert for a week . The bonding was worth the money though .

And now i have to think about how to manage my finances . Good lord .